Ep. 80 - Why Your Husband Keeps Offering You Wine When You’re Trying to Quit Drinking

Ep. 80: Why Your Husband Keeps Offering You Wine When You're Trying to Quit Drinking

Let me explain why your husband knows that you've been trying to quit drinking and still looks at you on a Friday night and says, do you want to have a glass of wine? Or maybe it's, you've been so good all week, you can have one. And meanwhile, you're looking at him thinking, are you freaking kidding me? Have you listened to a single thing I've said? Because you've told him. You've told him that you want to stop drinking.

You've told him that you're tired of waking up feeling like garbage. You've told him that you want to feel good on Saturday mornings. You've told him that you're not drinking this week. So why is this man standing in the kitchen offering you a glass of wine? Okay. Here's what I want you to consider. He might actually think that he's supporting you. Okay. And I know that this might sound a little contradictory, but here's the thing.

Quitting Drinking vs. Drinking Less: Not the Same Conversation

You think that you've told him that you want to quit drinking. He thinks you've told him you're trying to drink less. And those are not the same conversation. So today I want to talk about what's actually happening here. And I'm gonna share a little bit about my own story too, and how this really changed my trajectory towards an alcohol free life.

So, why our partners can genuinely have no idea how much mental space alcohol is taking up for us. Why they sometimes reinforce the exact drinking patterns that we're trying to change while thinking that they're being supportive. And what changed for me when I finally let my husband understand what was actually going on in my head. Because I think a lot of us say we want our partners to support us, but we haven't actually told them what we need them to understand so that they can.

Why Your Husband Thinks Offering You Wine Is Supportive

Now, he thinks he's helping. So here's the first thing that I want you to remember. Your husband probably has a lot of the same beliefs about alcohol that you do, because we've all been taught them. Alcohol is how you relax. Wine is what you have after a hard week.

Friday night means drinks. Alcohol is how you celebrate. And if you've been good all week, well then you deserve it. And so of course if you don't want to drink too much, you can just have one, you know, like you haven't thought of that.

"You've Been So Good All Week, Just Have One"

So your husband looks at you on Friday night and says, you've been so good all week. Why don't you just have a glass? And in his head, he might genuinely think that he's taking the pressure off of you. He's saying, you don't have to be so strict with yourself. It's okay. You deserve it. But what he doesn't understand is that he's reinforcing the exact belief that you're trying to change. The belief that alcohol is the reward, that alcohol is how you relax.

That alcohol is what you get after making it through another hard week. And maybe most importantly, that having one glass of wine is some incredibly simple solution that you somehow have not considered yet. Like, gee, thanks for the suggestion. And this is why you want to look at him and say, okay, asshole. Like, why didn't I think of that?

As if we hadn't spent the last several years trying to figure out how to have just one glass of wine after work. It's like he thinks that he's giving you permission, but you're trying to get out of the cycle where you spend your entire day deciding whether or not you're giving yourself permission to drink. And these are two very different things.

What Your Husband Doesn't See: The Daily Mental Negotiation With Alcohol

So here's where we have to take a little bit of responsibility for the conversation too. It's all about what he doesn't see. Because there's a big difference between saying, I drank too much wine this weekend, I'm not drinking this week, and saying, I need you to understand what's actually happening with me and alcohol. Because your husband sees the glass of wine. He doesn't necessarily see everything before the glass of wine.

He doesn't hear you wake up in the morning and tell yourself, I'm not drinking tonight. He doesn't hear that negotiation that starts in your head at three o'clock in the afternoon. Maybe I'll drink tonight and not tomorrow. Maybe I'll just have one or two glasses. I'm gonna try to wait until Friday. Maybe I'll only drink on weekends. I'm gonna start again on Monday.

He doesn't know that you're sitting in your office at 3:30 thinking about when you can finish work so that you can pour that first glass. And he doesn't necessarily know that you woke up pissed off at yourself this morning because you did the exact thing you told yourself yesterday morning that you weren't going to do. He doesn't know how much time you're spending thinking about this. He doesn't know unless you tell him.

And I know that because this was true in my own marriage and in my own journey with alcohol.

My Story: What Changed When I Let My Husband In

So here's what really changed with my husband. There were plenty of times when I would come home after a weekend with girlfriends where I had been drinking too much and say something like, my God, I'm not drinking this week. And what did my husband hear? Probably exactly what I said. Lindsay drank too much this weekend. She doesn't feel great. She wants to take a few days off. Okay. That is very different than what was actually going on with me. Because what I eventually had to let him see was that this wasn't about one weekend.

I was thinking about alcohol every single day. I could wake up in the morning and genuinely mean it when I said, I'm not drinking tonight. And then three o'clock would roll around, just like it does every single day. And I'd start thinking about wine. And by the end of that workday, I wanted to get home so I could just pour that first glass. And then I would drink. And then I'd wake up the next morning mad at myself. Again. And I'd tell myself I wasn't going to drink that night.

Again. And then three o'clock would come around, like I said, just like it does every single day. And that was the part that he didn't understand. And honestly, I hadn't let him understand it. I had told him about the behavior. I hadn't really let him in to what was happening in my head. And when I finally got just a little bit vulnerable and told him what was really going on, that's when he understood that I was serious and that I really needed to make a change.

That is when it went from, Lindsay had a big weekend with her girlfriends and wants to clean it up this week, to, this is something she's thinking about every day. This is bothering her. She keeps trying to do something differently, and she's having a really hard time following through. This is more important to her than I thought it was. That was a completely different conversation.

And listen, you do not need to sit your husband down tonight and deliver a 47-minute TED talk called My Complicated Relationship with Sauvignon Blanc. You don't need to tell him every single thought that you've ever had about alcohol. And you don't even need to knock yourself down with vulnerability in the first conversation. But you probably need to let him in a little further than you have.

How to Talk to Your Husband About Quitting Drinking

So I want to break this down. If you were my client and you came to me and you said, Lindsay, my husband keeps offering me wine, even though he knows I'm trying to quit, I wouldn't immediately tell you that your husband needs to be more supportive. That's not what I would say at first. I'd want to know, what have you actually told him? Does he know that you're trying not to drink on Friday night or for a whole weekend? Or does he understand why you're trying not to drink on Friday night? Because these are different things.

And so maybe you've told him, I really want to feel good on Saturday morning. And then Friday night comes and he says, okay, cool, let's just not drink tonight. And you're thinking, no shit. Like I haven't thought of that already. Like I haven't been trying to do that. But he doesn't understand why that seemingly obvious solution isn't so obvious for you.

Explain Why It Matters, Not Just Your Decision

So instead of only telling him the decision, I want you to help him understand what's happening around the decision. And so that might sound something like, I need you to understand why this is important to me. I keep deciding that I don't want to drink. And then when the end of the day comes, I change my mind. I'm spending way more time thinking about alcohol than you probably realize. This is a very different conversation from, I'm not drinking Friday.

Tell Him Which "Helpful" Comments Aren't Helpful

And then I would want you to explain why some of the things he thinks are helpful are not helpful. So maybe it's something like, when you tell me that I can just have one, I know that you're trying to help, but having one is something that I have been trying to figure out for years. That's part of why I'm doing this. Or, when you tell me that I deserve a glass of wine because I've had a hard week, I know that you mean that as a nice thing, but I'm trying to stop treating alcohol like a reward for making it through my week. Now, this gives him information that he didn't have before.

What Support From Your Husband Actually Looks Like

And then you can tell him what support actually looks like. Because "I need you to support me" is wildly vague. What does support mean? Maybe it means please don't offer me wine, or please don't tell me that I deserve it or I've earned a drink.

If I tell you in the morning that I don't want to drink tonight, please don't make me renegotiate that decision with you at dinnertime. If I'm struggling, ask me what I need instead of telling me that I can just have one. And here's another really important one. If I change my mind at five o'clock, I really don't need you to police me. But I also don't need you helping my five o'clock brain build a case for drinking.

Your Husband Isn't Responsible for Whether You Drink

Because ultimately this is still your decision. Your husband is not responsible for whether or not you drink. We're not handing him that job. That is not what his new role is. But we're letting him understand what you're actually trying to do so that he can stop accidentally making it harder while also thinking that he's helping you.

Identity, Practice and Self-Trust: How to Stop Drinking for Good

So this is really so much of the work. And this is exactly why I say that alcohol touches so many different layers of our lives, because when you change your relationship with alcohol, you're not simply removing wine from your evening. You're changing your routines. You're changing the way you respond to stress. You're changing what that reward looks like. And you're changing how you celebrate, the way you show up in relationships. And sometimes you're practicing letting the people closest to you see what you actually need.

And so this is really where my methodology of identity, practice, and self-trust comes in.

Now identity is becoming the version of you who doesn't need alcohol to cope or relax, celebrate, or belong. But you don't wake up one morning magically feeling like that woman. You have to practice. And sometimes the practice is pouring something different at five o'clock. Sometimes it's going to the party and not drinking.

Sometimes the practice is sitting with an uncomfortable feeling instead of immediately trying to make it go away. And sometimes the practice is having a conversation with your husband that you've been avoiding. And every time you practice making the decision you actually want to make and then follow through on it, that's how you create that evidence. And that evidence is what builds your self-trust.

Start Building Self-Trust With Three Wins in 48 Hours

So, okay. Now, if you're listening to this and you're thinking, okay, I know what I want, I just need to start actually following through on it, I have a free resource. It's called Three Wins in 48 Hours, and it will help you start creating some of that evidence right away. If you haven't downloaded this yet, or if you're new to my world or you just haven't checked it out, I'm gonna go ahead and put the link to that in the show notes.

Because you don't need to solve your entire relationship with alcohol in one day. It actually just really doesn't work like that. Like I said, there are so many different layers to quitting drinking and all the different places that alcohol shows up in our life. So you have to just start practicing doing these things without drinking. And you need opportunities to start showing yourself, I said I was gonna do this and I did it. I said I was gonna go out to dinner with my girlfriends and not drink. I was gonna order the mocktail or the non-alcoholic beer and I did it.

And I got home at a decent hour. I was still able to talk to my teenage kids when I got home and I drove home and I feel great. It's only 9:30 and I'm washing my face and going to bed. I said I was going to do this and I did it. That is how you build self-trust. The more times you do what you say you're going to do, you trust yourself more to follow through. And honestly, sobriety is just the result. Being alcohol free is the result of that.

Before You Get Mad at Your Husband This Friday

So before you get mad at your husband this Friday, here's what I want you to remember. The next time your husband offers you a glass of wine and you immediately want to get pissed off at him, before you decide that he's not supporting you, I want you to ask yourself this: does he actually understand what he's supporting me through? Because I know that you think you've told him that you want to quit drinking.

He may think you've told him you're trying to drink less. And those are not the same conversation. You have to let him in a little. You have to tell him what's actually happening. Tell him why this matters to you. And tell him what support actually looks like.

"I Need to Be Good This Week": Why Vague Requests Backfire

You know, I had so many mornings that I woke up and said, I'm not drinking today. And something that I used to say to my husband a lot was, I need to be really good this week. Meaning I can't drink. But did I ever really specify what "I need to be good this week" even means? Because sometimes I would say that to him on a Monday and on Wednesday he would say, hey, do you want to go out to dinner? And I would immediately panic because going out to dinner meant drinking. But I had already told him I need to be good this week.

How dare this man ask me if I want to go out to dinner when I said I needed to be good? So this is two different things. What I was saying was, I need to be good this week. And my husband was thinking, okay, she doesn't want to drink this week. But he's not making the connection that going out to dinner means drinking. To him, he's like, okay, we're just going out to dinner. But to me, I had this strong connection that going out to dinner meant drinking, and this man is not supporting me now with my venture to be good this week.

So what I need to say is, I don't want to drink this week. And here's how you can support me. I'd like to just stay home this week. I'd like to not drink after work. I don't think you understand how much I've been thinking about alcohol. Here's what's been going on. We have to give them a little bit more.

You Don't Need a Rock Bottom to Change Your Relationship With Alcohol

And it can be really difficult to find your voice in this area and speak up for yourself, because we also tie it to, he's gonna think I have a problem. And look, more people than you know have a quote unquote problem with alcohol. It doesn't even matter how big or small your problem is. If alcohol is making you wake up in the morning and feel shame and be sad and be upset with yourself because you're drinking, that is reason enough.

You do not have to have a massive rock bottom to want to change your relationship with alcohol. You can simply tell your husband, I don't like the way it makes me feel and I want to make a serious change. You can find the words that feel good for you. This is actually one of the biggest things that I help my clients with, finding the words to say so that you feel good and you feel confident that he's going to be able to understand.

Get Support to Stop Drinking and Follow Through

So if this episode felt a little uncomfortably familiar, this is exactly the kind of work that we do inside my coaching. Because knowing that you want to stop drinking is one thing. But then three o'clock happens, and you finish a brutal workday and you walk through that door and your husband pours himself a glass of wine, or you go out to dinner with friends, or Friday night comes, and suddenly the decision that felt so incredibly clear this morning does not feel quite so clear anymore.

That is the work. We figure out exactly what is happening in those moments, why alcohol keeps becoming the answer, and what you need to practice instead. Because we can't just say, I'm not drinking. We have to have a plan. We have to know what we're going to do instead. And then how you can start following through on the decisions that you actually want to make.

You know, every day I help successful women stop spending so much of their lives thinking about alcohol and start building the skills and self-trust to actually follow through on what they want. So if you are tired of waking up knowing exactly what you want and then ending that day doing something different, you can learn more about working with me through the coaching link in the show notes.

And whether you're ready for coaching right now or you're just starting to figure this out, I hope that you'll keep listening, because look, you have far better things to think about than drinking. And when you get to this point where you are practicing, and you are communicating what you need and what support looks like in a way that feels good and natural to you, you will be totally unstoppable.

How My Husband's Role in My Sobriety Changed

I can share this from my own experience. My husband's whole role in my sobriety shifted once I just let him in a little bit. And this is really a magical part of your journey. You will get there faster when the person who you live with and spend the most time with truly understands what it is that you want to do. Because the more he only kind of knows, the more he's going to support you in the only way that he knows how. And that might not be what you need. In fact, I know that it's probably not what you need.

So, okay, that's it for me this week. I hope that you have a little conversation with your partner tonight, or send me a message, because I can help you figure this out fast. And I promise you, I'm gonna take a lot of what you're afraid of out of the picture and get you into forward motion.