The Truth About Why It's Not Clicking For You

Let’s be real, when you’re a high-achiever, the struggle to quit drinking doesn’t just feel frustrating, it feels personal. You’ve accomplished so many things in your life -  you know how to work hard and you certainly know how to follow through. But when quitting drinking doesn’t “click” right away, it’s easy to start asking yourself “What is wrong with me? Why can’t I get this?” 

Most of us are taught to treat something we struggle with as a problem. But in this work, the struggle is often part of the actual process. When you’re used to overachieving, you’ll try to double down on effort, when what you really need is a different approach. So, if you are a high-achieving, mid-age woman who has been relying on her willpower and work ethic to quit drinking, this blog post is for you. 

You’ll hear the truth about why it's not clicking for you as a high achiever, learn the 3 phases of finding freedom from alcohol, and leave with 3 tools to support you on your journey to quit drinking in 2026. 

It’s Not Failing - It’s Learning 

Firstly, it is time to let go of the belief that the “I can’t seem to get this” feeling means you are failing. Instead, think of it as a signal that you are in the work and that you are on the edge of something shifting.

Let’s reframe it. 

To not only quit drinking, but to find real freedom from alcohol, requires more than a behavioral change. You are going to have to rewire a habit loop that has been reinforced by your nervous system, your environment, and your emotional patterns over time - months, years, or even decades! For many of the women that I work with, at some point in their life, alcohol became a reward or maybe the only reward. So when you try to remove it without replacing the reward or reworking the pattern, your brain throws a fit. Not because you’re weak, but because it’s trying to protect what feels familiar and ironically enough, safe. Your brain has wired alcohol into your habit loop, where stress, fear, or social discomfort cue a reward. Your nervous system has learned that alcohol equals relief, calm, and a way to cope.

This is why every time you try to break that loop, you’re not just making a decision, you’re interrupting a pattern your brain and body have relied on for years. So when it feels extra hard some days - that’s not a personal failure, recognize it for what it is: a part of the process of rewiring. 

If you ask anyone who has successfully quit drinking, I’m almost certain they’ll tell you their path to freedom from alcohol wasn’t always straightforward. It’s not clean and there are pivots, pauses, slips back into what feels easier. But every time you come back to awareness, you’re building something. It’s not failing, you’re learning.

Progress Over Perfection 

Most of the women that hire me as their credited sober coach, come in thinking that “getting it” means never drinking again - starting now, doing it perfectly, and never slipping. And listen, I get why that’s the assumption. When you’ve spent your life setting goals and hitting them, anything less than 100% feels like a failure.  But here’s the truth about that definition? It’s not just unrealistic. It’s harmful.

Because “getting it” isn’t about perfection. It’s about peace. It’s about freedom. It’s about having fewer conversations with yourself about drinking. It’s about being able to go to brunch, or a stressful work event, or sit alone on a Friday night and not need a drink to survive it. It’s not about white-knuckling your way through every situation.  It’s about building a life where alcohol stops feeling necessary. 

Right? 

Let me say it plainly - shame and willpower might work short-term, but if they’re your only tools, you will burn out. So here is what actually works: 

• Rebuilding trust with yourself

• Unlearning the idea that alcohol is your reward, your relief, your identity

• Becoming a woman who lives differently

This sort of transformation doesn’t happen because you force it. It happens because you stay curious, stay honest, and keep coming back to your vision, even when it feels hard. You keep that version of yourself you’re trying to become top of mind, front and center. If it’s not aligned with your goals, it’s a no. “Getting it” is not a checkbox. It's becoming the version of you that you know you are capable of and you deserve. 

She’s waiting for you.

And this is exactly the work I do with women.  We don’t just talk about not drinking. We rebuild the internal structure that makes alcohol feel unnecessary. 

The 3 Phases of Quitting Drinking 

Of course, as a high-achieving woman who is goal-driven, I know you love a good deadline. How satisfying would it be if I just told you a number of days it’d take and we could all mark on our calendars with a gold star that says “the day you finished quitting drinking.” 

There is no quick fix, no perfect day to begin, it’s why we call it a journey - and everyone’s journey looks a little different. But what I want to offer you is a new lens to look through at this whole idea of a timeline - broken out into 3 phases. 

These are the phases I coach and support my clients through inside Feel Good AF. 

Phase 1 - Detach 

In the early days, you might not feel better right away.  In fact, some things get harder before they get easier. This is when you’re stepping away from the habit. Things feel raw, unfamiliar. You might swing between “I’ve got this” and “what the hell am I doing?” about ten times a day. You’ve interrupted a loop your brain expects to complete. The cue (stress, celebration, boredom) still shows up, but the usual reward (alcohol) isn’t there. Your brain sounds the alarm: “Wait, where’s the relief we’re used to?” 

This is why your cravings spike and your emotions get loud. It’s not just psychological, it’s physiological. You’re in withdrawal from a behavior your system had come to rely on. Your sleep? It might get worse before you start loving your new nightly ritual. That’s your nervous system recalibrating, not a sign it’s not working. Your emotions? They’ll feel louder, because you’re finally hearing them without the buffer. Your social identity? It might feel cracked open. You’ll notice how much of your world was built around alcohol, and how lonely that can feel at first.

But then comes the next phase. 

Phase 2 - Stabilize  

This is where your nervous system starts to settle. You’re building routines that support you, but you’re still figuring out how to handle stress, celebration, and connection without reaching for the old default. It takes a lot of repetition to get to this phase - repetition of the new, helps you move on from the old. This is where you're restructuring. You're forming new loops. New rituals. You’re still aware of the pull, but you’re starting to pause. You’re responding instead of reacting.  

This is when women in my program start saying things like: “I had the thought, but I didn’t act on it.” That’s progress. Your brain is building new neural pathways. It takes repetition, consistency, support, and most importantly—compassion. Willpower might get you through a few days, but compassion towards yourself is what will support you in building your new life where you don’t even think about alcohol.

And then comes the next phase, my friend. 

Phase 3 - Rebuild 

This is where the magic really happens. You start seeing that you’re creating a life that feels good  without alcohol. It’s not just about abstaining. It’s about expansion, alignment, and confidence. What once felt like an exhausting decision becomes part of who you are. The new behavior (journaling, walking, texting your support crew) isn’t something you force anymore. It’s something you do. Sometimes without even thinking. That’s when it starts to feel like discipline—not punishment. Like peace, not pressure.

Each phase has its own challenges and breakthroughs. It’s not based on how strong or disciplined you are. But on how willing you are to get curious. To keep coming back. To see every slip, every wobble, as data, not defeat. This isn’t about racing to the finish line. It’s about becoming the woman who doesn’t need alcohol to feel whole.

So when you ask “how long does it take?” The truth is, it’s different for everyone. Because it’s not about how fast you change. It’s about how deeply you’re willing to shift. How often you’re willing to pause, to notice, to try again. Your timeline isn’t defined by strength. It’s defined by your honesty and your vision.

If reading this you recognize you are in the “Im trying but it's not sticking" phase, I want you to hear this: You’re not lost. You’re in it.  This messy, repetitive, frustrating part? It’s not proof you’re failing—it’s proof you’re in the exact space where transformation starts to take root.

3 Tools To Support You Quitting Drinking 

Here are three tools that you can use to support you in your early days of quitting drinking - or anytime! Give them a try and if they feel good to you, add them to your toolkit. You are unique. I’m a strong believer that we have to take what serves us and leave what doesn’t. So with that in mind, here are 3 tools you can use to work through this:

1.  Voice Notes: When you're in the moment—spiraling with a craving, second-guessing yourself, or just feeling off—your thoughts move fast. Writing can feel like a chore. But your voice? It captures what's real right now.  Voice notes let you speak without editing. You can vent, cry, admit things you’re afraid to say out loud. And when you play them back later, you’ll often hear your own wisdom inside the mess.

   
   

   What to expect when you try this: Clarity, emotional release, and a stronger connection to what’s really going on underneath the craving.

2. Quick Pattern Journaling: This isn’t about paragraphs or polished reflections. It’s about grabbing the messy data of your day and noticing what repeats. Things like: Time of day cravings hit, what you were doing, what you were feeling. Over time, you start to see your unique triggers, not just generic ones.

   
   

   What to expect when working through this: You’ll have less confusion about “why this keeps happening,” and more empowerment to anticipate and redirect the loop.

   
   

3. Naming What You're Avoiding: Most cravings are actually about escape. We rarely crave alcohol for the taste, we crave the relief it promises. When you pause and name what you're trying to avoid (“I’m afraid of being alone tonight” or “I don’t want to deal with that email”), you take the power back. You pull the craving into the light.

What to expect from this: A big drop in urgency, more choice in the moment, and a growing sense of emotional maturity that builds self-trust.

Conclusion 

I want you to think about something in your life that you learned to do. It could be something more recent, like joining a pickleball club, or something from when you were a kid - like how to ride a bike. When we make the decision to try something new, to learn a new skill, like speaking another language, or to pick up a hobby like chess - it’s not like we assume that we will know everything about speaking Spanish after a single lesson - or that we will be competing in the Chess world championships after our first match. We give ourselves grace and recognize we are in the learning phase. 

Why then do we hold ourselves up to perfection when it comes to this? We’re so used to measuring progress by clean lines and checkboxes. But this work isn’t linear. It’s layered. And this phase—where it feels like you should have it figured out but it still isn’t clicking—isn’t a setback. It’s the actual work.

You’re not starting over. You’re deepening your learning. Every time you circle back, you’re returning with more awareness, more honesty, more willingness to look at what’s really going on. That’s not regression—that’s evolution.

Disclosure: This post may contain affiliate links. If you purchase through these links, I may earn a commission at no additional cost to you.

And remember, Lindsay is a sober coach, not a health professional. If you are chemically dependent on alcohol, consult your doctor on the steps you need to take to safely detox.